Make Loved Ones Feel Important

We live in a world that is chaotic. Things are not simple like they used to be. Terrorist threats are a no longer uncommon. School shootings are the norm. Cyber-attacks and identity theft happen almost daily. These situations are more of a reason to truly be connected with your loved ones.

What are some things that you are doing now to spend time together? Sitting in the same room, with either one or both of you on electronic devices is not enough. I am talking about “quality” time together. Cuddling, laughing, talking, touching, play fighting, eating a meal together, taking a walk, working out, volunteering, making love, or even working on a project together. Being fully present and engaged with your partner.

The holiday season brings a great deal of stress on everyone; financially, emotionally and physically. Ask yourself what you can do to minimize the impact of holiday stress. Discuss plans to be more involved with one another and not allow the hype of everything to get in the way of your quality time. Make a new tradition.

The concept of family has been destroyed through the years by making sex easy, marriage the new dating and divorce the first option to end a disagreement. Decide what is most important and take steps to set aside time to actually appreciate those important things in your life. Slipping a love note into a briefcase or lunch bag, ironing clothes for the next day for your loved one or even cooking a meal together are some ideas for getting that quality time in. At the end of the day, it’s better to reflect on those things that made you happy than the stresses of life and sadness. The world has enough of that as it is.

What are your plans with your loved ones?

Advertisements

Passion Deflated

We all can agree that there are those moments in life when things just don’t work out the way we would like. It is more frustrating when the things not working out are between our spouse/significant other. Finances, work, family and children can cause fallouts greater than the Hiroshima nuclear blast. How each of you handle these elements can make or break the issue.

One in particular that I want to address today is sex. We’ve all seen the sitcoms on tv where the wife withholds sex until the husband does _________ (whatever honey-do task that hasn’t been completed). Or she withholds it because of something he did do or say. Either way, it’s not fighting fair. Most women are emotional creatures by nature and in order to get the cookie you have to appeal to the mind and heart first. Most men are physical and what women are moved by have no effect on them whatsoever. Sex is sex. So what if the dishes aren’t done. I’m horny. I know the kid was suspended from school. We haven’t touched in three days. I’ll finish the yard this weekend. I need some attention.

Some men stop looking at their spouse/significant other the same way they used to in the beginning. Underlying causes can range from stress at work to their own insecurities. Maybe they feel unattractive or that you’ve lost interest in them. Maybe there is a medical condition that causes them to be unable to ‘perform’ the way they used to and rather than just talk about it they feel embarrassed and keep it to themselves. Maybe you’ve nagged so much that they have simply lost the strength to fight for your attention. Women need to understand that just as they have these thoughts in their head, so do men.

We can’t take a break from life and the revolving problems that arise daily but we can take carve out some time to break for a purpose of getting back in touch with one another. Just as work and family need your attention, so does your spouse/significant other. Their needs are starved when they become last on your list or don’t make it to your priority list at all. Sometimes it is as simple as stepping away and asking yourself how you would feel in their shoes. It seems easy to point fingers and blame someone else for being lazy or lacking responsibility or whatever the issue may be. It’s hard to consider what difficult things they may be facing in their lives or how they rationalize certain situations.

Get back to the basics. Get back to love. At the end of the day, if you only had a few hours left to live would you spend them complaining about work or the children or would you focus on what is important; the relationship between all the elements of your family? We always think we have forever until we take our last breath. This sobering reality hit home yesterday as I celebrated Memorial Day. Many people thanked me for my 13 years of military service but I had to correct them; Veteran’s Day is my day of celebration. Memorial Day is for the fallen comrades who did not come home so that I could. Their families are paying the ultimate sacrifice as they are now without that mother, daughter, sister, aunt, father, uncle, brother or son.

Some women use the excuse that they aren’t in the mood. It is a very realistic excuse. Some women have low libidos. After having a baby some women lose interest because their bodies have changed along with their hormones and they don’t feel like they still ‘got it’. For those women I will say this. If he is trying to be with you, trying to make love to you, trying to touch you – trust me, you still got it. Stop analyzing your own body and look at it through the eyes of your spouse/significant other. How do you think the phrase, ‘Mother I’d Like to F*ck’ (MILF) was coined? Trust me, he wouldn’t be after you if you didn’t turn him on.

Also realize that men go through changes, too, after you have a baby. Maybe not in the physical sense – well, some guys do have sympathy pain or gain sympathy weight which I think is cute – but seriously, your body just brought a life into this world. That is the beauty of life unfolding before their eyes. Maybe you stopped having sex because it was too painful during the last bit of pregnancy. Or maybe you felt too big and awkward. Now that you’ve had the baby and had that healing time pass think about how he might feel making love to you again. He might feel anxious, which in turn could make him not last that long. He may be afraid of hurting you or not know how to respond to your body, which could make it hard for him to keep an erection. There could be a million things going through his head, but the main one that is most important is that he still loves and wants to be with you. Stop being in your head so much and just let nature take control. Enjoy the moment. Once time has passed you can never get that back.

Some problems cannot be solved easily. Some are deeply rooted and require the specialized training of a certified professional counselor. If you feel that your relationship is beyond repair or that both of you are at your wits end then maybe it’s time to call in reinforcement. Counseling can do more good than harm. You may find that it’s just a matter of difference or misunderstanding. You may find something more. But letting it fester to the point where you both have had enough and the passion has lost its flame is not good. Flames can be reignited but it requires work from both parties and a willingness to be open minded and not stoop to the petty blame game.

Life is too short to live without passion. Especially intimate passion with someone you say you love. It all comes down to choices. You can choose to fight for and bring the passion back or you can let it die. At the end of the day, what will you choose?

Loving the Wrong Person

Have you ever found yourself head over heels for someone who doesn’t give you a second of their time? It may sound trivial to even think that you would be dumb enough to care about someone who ignores you but it happens more often than you think – maybe not as blatantly obvious as that, but to some similar degree.

You enjoy being around them. Maybe when it’s just the two of you they act different; they open up more. You share meaningful conversations and there is an inherent reason you feel the way you feel. By chance, in public per se, they act ‘different’. Less social, less open, more ambivalent to you. Do you make excuses for them, saying maybe they are busy or shy or just don’t want everyone in their personal business so they keep things very low key when you are around. It sounds plausible; key word is sounds.

Maybe you’ve been the person who kind of ignores someone in public but changes when in a group setting. Do you know why? Does it make the person act more clingy, to which you pull further and further away? There is a cycle there, kind of like cat and mouse.

The place where we get caught up is when we make excuses for the person’s behavior as if to say it is okay to treat us this way. It’s not. They wouldn’t like it if they were being treated this way, or maybe the person they are really interested in is treating them the same way. We’ve all heard the saying, “The person you want doesn’t want you and you don’t want the person who wants you.”

It’s a vicious cycle. The key to breaking the cycle is to start with yourself. We have all heard the saying “You cannot love another or accept another’s love for you until you learn to love yourself.”
That statement is very true. When you learn to love yourself, you realize what you are worth and don’t allow others to treat you less than you deserve. When you love yourself, you can begin to open up to love others. You are less inhibited to treat others badly because you are aware of their feelings and know that it’s not right.

When you love yourself, you attract the right attention. Others who value you and respect you. Others who will love you for who you are and not what you can do for them. When you find love like that, trust me, it is amazing. It makes all of the bad relationships worth it because every bad experience helps make us who we are. Hopefully it doesn’t make you bitter though.

Just think; if you could love the wrong person with as much passion and energy as you did, think of how much more you can love the right person?

Why Do Women Fake It?

The answer is yes. I have faked it on numerous occasions. You may ask why, what benefit do I get out of it? It ends quickly. I have been a one woman cheerleader during sex just to get him to release so I can go to bed. Or get up and shower. Or just relax because I caught a cramp and I’m no longer in the mood to keep going. Or I’ve gotten mine and he is taking an unnecessary amount of time getting there.
I should probably get paid for how realistic I sound.

Truth is, even if you are not a talker during the act, hearing the other person enjoy themselves adds heightened intensity to it; it helps ‘get you there’ because sex has some mental aspect to it.

I do not fake it all the time; that would just give the other person a false sense of accomplishment in thinking they really are doing something in bed. But occasionally, yes, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Women fake it for you. To just lay there when you are not in the mood but don’t want to say no is like saying no. So we play the part and help the leading role reach the finale.

This technique can backfire, however, by giving the other person a false sense of achievement. Meaning, they think they did a phenomenal job beating the brakes off you in bed, when really their actions didn’t even start the engine. That’s the risk we take in faking it.

When it comes to sex, men and women differ in how they express themselves, say, to their friends. When a guy thinks the sex was great he will talk about it like he was a porn star. “Yeah, man, I had her hitting high notes like an Opera singer! She couldn’t get enough of me!”

When women talk about great sex, they talk about how good the guy was. “Girl, he was so good he had me up making him a full course meal!”

If a woman talks about how good ‘she’ was during the act, chances are you sucked and she is simply complimenting herself on her acting abilities and theatrics in the bedroom.
I don’t think faking it is selfish; it’s actually a very selfless act for the other person’s ego. You may be wondering, how can I tell if she is faking it? Sex isn’t pretty. If she’s overly concerned with her hair, or being cute, then you ain’t hitting the spot. When a woman is completely absorbed into the act, she doesn’t care how she looks as long as you keep giving it to her the way you are. Kind of like how you are with us. I know your girl may have teased you about your ‘sex face’ once or twice. It’s not pretty; but it’s so good you don’t even care!

Answering The ‘Shoulder Tap’

black-couple-in-bed-spark1ne-com-378x338

Who has found themselves in this situation before? Somebody wants some, but the other person is far from interested? Not even willing to help you out in a time of need! Reasons can be similar for both men and women; busy lives, children, not feeling well, long and/or bad day at work, etc. The person being rejected may not understand or feel that you are being unreasonable, especially if “No” has been heard far more than “Yes.”

For the ones saying no, have you really given it enough thought? Have you put yourself in your partner’s, errr – pants? Have you opted for middle ground – heavy petting, making out, possibly oral, before disregarding their request? Do you really think if you got started that you wouldn’t find yourself enjoying it, too?

For those who are doing the ‘tapping’ have you thought about how your partner feels? How was their day? Did you argue at all? When they say no, is the reason the same or something different?

If any of you have ever heard of Dr. Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” it is a very thorough guide in understanding the person you are with. It actually speaks beyond romantic relationships to that of coworkers, children, teenagers, family, etc. But I digress. It discusses ways to get the person you love to understand your love for them. Most men are physical; so sex being a physical act is one way they like to show they love their significant other. There are other ways, but I am just focusing on one for the sake of this post.

When a person who has a love language of physical attention and they want to have sex but get rejected it is more than saying, “No”. In their mind it’s like saying you don’t love them, too. So over time, they begin to withdraw from the relationship and eventually may seek their needs to be met somewhere else. If you’re thinking, ‘well if they would help around the house, or if they would just pay me a compliment once in awhile instead of wanting to jump me all the time’ then you are speaking your love language. They need to learn how to speak it.

Relationships require give and take. Granted, you may not always be in the mood. You may be so angry with something they have done or didn’t do that you can’t fathom being in the same bed, but I will say this. Life is short and we do not know when we will take our last breath. Try not to go to bed angry. Try to resolve to either agree to disagree or really get to the heart of the matter – sans emotional outbursts, etc. Fight fair. Listen. Sacrifice.

The answer to the shoulder tap might be ‘no’ but just be sure you add a ‘yes’ in there, too. Or make the rain check worthwhile…

Your Thoughts

Let me hear from you. What are some things you would like to read about here a the Pleasure Principles?

Did you know that today is National Unplug Day? Unplug yourself from electronics and spend time with someone you care about or enjoy the outdoors.

I’m getting ready for a hike in the mountains today with my dogs. Between work, night school, homework and this blog sometimes they feel left out, and that’s not ok.

So stop reading this and go find something to enjoy!

What’s On Your Passion Bucket List?

bucket-list
Life is short in comparison to how fast time flies. For anyone who has come upon their 10 year class reunion from high school I’m sure you’ve asked yourself, “Has it “really” been that long?” With our busy daily lives time has a way of escaping us. So it is vitally important to make the most of everything and to always create lasting memories.

Some have a bucket list in life. These are things that they want to do before they die or become too fragile to do such as bungee jump, sky dive, parasail, deep sea dive, etc. Usually these are adrenaline junkies or people who live off of the rush of fear. While not everyone has the same bucket list, I mean, some could have taking a Caribbean cruise or traveling to Australia or even seeing Mt. Rushmore as their bucket list wish. But a passion bucket list contains passionate, often intimate and sexual, fantasies that you would like to experience. Some could be so wild that you want to experience them before marriage. Some may be what you want to experience during your marriage to keep it spicy and interesting.

My passion bucket list started off PG, obviously, because I was rather green in regards to sex back in the day. I wanted to kiss in the rain. While some say this is overrated, I found it to be just as passionate as in the movies. Then again, I hear my own theme music in my head so that might have had something to do with it and he was a really sexy Marine so I think kissing him regardless was on my bucket list.

I’ve kissed a girl, gotten freaky in a park – in another country (I say that part because foreign countries have different laws so there was little shame in being discreet or worrying about cops arresting us for exhibition), in a car, with a guy with a cast, in a public bathroom, in every room of the house (and yes, we disinfected everything), at work, in the garage, and I think that’s it so far.
Other places that I think would be good are of course the mile high club (on an airplane), possibly a crowded bus or train (just imagine the rocking of the bus or train as your bodies bump against one another…), and here is a link to 50 more other places.

Can you cross off any of these? Are there any that you are thinking of adding to your list?
adult bucket list