Have you ever found yourself constantly arguing with your significant other to the point where you don’t even want to say hello? Or make eye contact. Or exist under the same roof. Sometimes emotions can run so high you find yourself asking, “Do I even love them anymore?” Or “What’s the point in trying?”
It’s an ugly place. It feels dark, lonely, and I’m sure it’s hard to see beyond the pain. Let me ask you something. Do you even know why you’re arguing? Sometimes the answer is plain; sometimes you two have been out of sync for so long you can’t recall what started it. My guess is it started with disappointment. Someone didn’t get their needs met and felt the other didn’t care. Without actually discussing it, your partner may have dismissed it as not important leaving you harboring these hurt feelings adding a dash of resentment.
Have you talked to them about how you feel? Truthfully. From a place of “I” statements not “you this” or “you that”? Maybe you have a hard time articulating yourself. Have you tried writing your thoughts down?
One thing that helps put things into perspective is to look at it from a place of love. If it’s a relationship you value, that is. Too often we focus on our own hurt, our own pain and discomfort, that we forget what it means to be empathetic. It’s not easy either. In a world where most people are WIIFIM (what’s in it for me?) it’s second nature to be the same way in our own lives. But when you’re in a meaningful relationship with someone it is better when it can be reframed as WIIFU (what’s in it for us?).
If you value your partner you must also value their needs and their perspective. It becomes easier to take the edge off of your indignation when you can think positively about your relationship and what strengths you two have together.
It may take multiple conversations. It may take weeks and months. If you value the relationship press through and put in the work to hear one another out, even if you have to write out bullet points to stay on target. Leave the low blows out of it; remember this is someone you love.
Anything worth keeping is worth the work. Both of you are deserving of being heard and having your needs met. And compromise will need to be part of the package as well. As long as it isn’t a compromise on basic values and personal ethics. That is a much deeper conversation about whether you two are truly compatible.
Start with love. Speak with kindness. Listen with intent.
The Pleasure Principles 