Elements of an Elusive Feeling

I crack open my window to catch some of the gentle breeze flowing
It flows effortlessly as I blink silent tears away.
How could I let all of my freedom slip away from me?
How could I let you take my heart from me?
You are barely a figment of my reality,
You come and go so infrequently,
It’s a wonder you had time to steal my heart.

But you did. All within a few seconds of gently embracing me.
Caressing my fragile wounded soul and kissing every painful memory away.
You didn’t have to be so kind.
I didn’t expect you to notice the little things,
But there you were,
In my living room, and making your way into my heart.
Embedding yourself into the depth of my eyes
And anchoring a place within my spirit.
I’d rather hate you, you know.
It would all just be so much easier if I could dislike you.

Your inconsistency plays with my emotions.
It does nothing for my fear of committment.
I try to put up a wall to lock you out,
And I’ll do well for a few days until…
You return and knock it down again.
And I am left with a smiling heart and my security shattered
Into dust sized pieces, of which will never form together again.
But it’s okay, I tell myself, until I find myself alone again,
Wondering where you went to this time,
Wondering why you bothered to return if you knew
You were just going to disappear again.

I can’t keep longing for you.
I can’t keep fighting my feelings.
Either you are in, or out, but none of this halfway business.
Please tell me the truth, so that I can set myself free
Of the undulating feeling of wanting to being in love with you.

The Truth About Fairytales

happymarriage
The truth about love is….that it is not easy. If it were self-help books on how to find the love you deserve, sad love songs and relationship counselors would not make a profit because there would be no need. However, anything worth having should never come ‘easy’ per se. Now if you are trying to tear down a family to be with someone or putting yourself or any children in jeopardy for this relationship, some reevaluations may be in order.

Little girls grow up watching Disney and believing Prince Charming will come riding over a hill to rescue them and they will live happily ever after. After numerous heartaches and kissing too many frogs I grew to resent Disney. Until I sat back one day and contemplated the bigger picture.

Ideally, when it is real love, you will live happily ever after. Granted, there will be bad days – then there will be even worse than those bad days – but two people who are truly meant to be together will find the strength to battle them out together. When you look at photo albums and throwback Thursday pictures, you aren’t reminiscing on the bad moments in time; you are recalling those cherished moments that bring a smile to your heart. That is what real love is about. Learning to adjust the sail through the rocky seas of life and having someone to enjoy the sunset with. Forever.

Older couples who have been married 50+ years never say the road was easy. They also never say they regret any of the challenges they faced together either. Those challenges strengthened their love for one another and thus they have fulfilled reaching their ‘happily ever after’.

So many people treat marriage as the new dating and dating as casual sex. How is anyone ever to find what’s real in a world of immediate gratification? Love is about being selfless and wanting the best for someone else, even when there is no benefit for yourself. That requires respect. Dedication. Commitment. Perseverance. Trust. It needs a foundation where being vulnerable is embraced and not taken advantage of.

Our “What’s in it for me?” attitude has raped the very nature of what love is supposed to be. With children having children, who is mature enough to teach love and give love in the way it is intended to be expressed?

Relationships and sex will never fill the void of your empty spirit as long as material and superficial metaphors take the place of real love. Real love makes the ground shake. It causes the heavens to open. I’m quite sure someone finds a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, or at least a midget.

Happily ever after isn’t about a fairy tale wedding. Plan for a marriage, not a wedding. The wedding is for family and friends to witness and be part of your union; at the end of the day it’s just you and the one you love. Going into debt, living outside of your means to put on a show won’t guarantee the two of you will make it to ‘ever after’. So look at the motive, the reason, for why you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Divorce should not be an option unless it is life or death.

The thing about real love is….you cannot experience it until you understand what it means to love yourself. When you love yourself, you won’t allow yourself to be treated less than you deserve. You attract quality companions and you remove yourself from the childish games people play. There is no set age of discovery; it is based on when you are mentally and emotionally ready to actualize this.
happily-ever-after

Whimsical Pleasures

I taste your lips in those intimate places;
Wrap my mind around you like silk sheets.
I adore you in spring time;
In fall you become a little too flaky for me.

I imagine being in yours arms is like a supernatural experience.
I yearn to feel our heartbeats in sync.

Joyous am I when I’m near you.
When the bitter taste of your goodbye doesn’t cripple me into non-existence.
I suppose you are better off just a dream.
When I awake I can write off your inconsistency as mere ficticious rambles of my imagination
And no true portrayal
Of the man I want you so desperately to be.

Valentine

I took the knife to my wrist and cut across it slow and steady. Yes, it stung, it hurt; and as I looked closer I realized out poured all the words I was too scared to say to you all those years ago.

A love letter coursed through my veins for you; I bled the reality of you and I….

The Letter

The anticipation eats away at me:
I don’t know how you will react when you read those words.
Those words that I wrote for you in a love letter,
Enclosing my heart inside the seal that I kissed.
Placing a forever stamp on the envelope
Because that is where you will be in my heart –
Along with all our memories.
It’s been so long since last I saw you.

Far too often I catch myself wandering in the distance
Of thoughts consisting of you, and only you.
I debate whether or not you think of me this way.
I feel manic –
A bit obsessed –
I just can’t seem to get you out of my head.

I wrote that love letter at least 1,000 times.
Took me 13 years to finally come to terms with the truth;
Yes, I love you.
I torture myself over and over
Wondering have I missed the opportunity
Or if you’d even remember…me?

Surely you can’t be
The same person I knew so long ago.
I know I’ve changed –
I wonder if you’d even like the new me?

Each line of my letter is a heart string
That plays a specific melody for
Every year that we could have been together;
Just you and me.
I wanted you to be swept away in adoration
And truly see the tenderness of my love.
You are the epitome of my desire;
The gift I’m now longing to keep.
I didn’t realize it then, but I am aware now
That all I have ever wanted
Was to live in your arms.

Saying What I Feel

I can’t understand why my heart is so deeply in love with you
I told myself our good-byes didn’t mean anything
And now I find myself sitting here crying
Lingering on the broken promise of a future that never was
And never will be.
Well, because you’re you and
I’m me.

How did I end up here?
Why can’t I simply hate you and move on?
You’ve nestled somewhere inside me
So deeply inside that to lose you
Feels like I’m losing a limb.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t think straight.
As the tears moisten the bitterness of my heart
I feel it softly bleeding for you.

How is it you got here?
How did u get the best of me?
How did I not see it coming?
How am I in love….again.

I tremble.
What if this good-bye means forever?
The better part of me wants to scream.
Kick and scream for you to not leave.
Not leave me like all the others before.
But my pride won’t let me.
So I blink those vulnerable tears away
And smile as I hug you one last time.
I try telling myself to let go. Let go.
But I’ve never felt more safe and secure than in your arms.

I said I’d never let you see me cry
But maybe I should.
Maybe I should go out on a limb
And open my heart.
Hell, it’s already broken
What more can hurt?
Rejection, that’s what could hurt.

I’m gonna release you to your future.
And keep the memories of us alive
In the music I listen to.
And reminisce on our kisses when I feel lonely.
And revel in the fact that we were everything we could ever be in our moment
And whether our love is fleeting or lasting
I know in my heart it was real.